Why should a believer NOT date an unbeliever?

I  get alot of people asking, why should a believer not date or marry an unbeliever? Before I start stating the reasons, let me clear the air, this post is not to say that as believers we should not associate with unbelievers or do not take it out of context and say that I am judging anyone.
So...


Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Lets break this down, what does it mean to be yoked? Anyone who has seen farmers use animals to plough the land, you have probably seen two animals held together by a wooden beam, this is done to enable them to pull together a load as they work as a pair. The wooden beam (yoke) helps them to go at the same pace and the same direction. So, as believer, your life consists of pursuing Christ, meaning your life consists of you walking in the Spirit and not by the desires of your flesh. For an unbeliever, your life is guided by the desires of your flesh, your flesh is not submitted to Christ hence your life looks very different (let's just be honest here). So when you two get together and decide to be in a relationship, meaning now you are doing life as a couple( pair),  are you two heading in the same direction? since your lives are very different.As the scripture says what do you two have in common? apart from the attraction you have for each other or maybe hobbies? but what do you have in common, your principals, beliefs, convictions etc.?

Consider the story of Solomon, a man who had everything in life! He started off very well, walking with God and asking God for wisdom and in return God gave him above and beyond what he had asked for. God told him not to marry foreign women, but what did Solomon do? He got married to several of them and ended up worshiping the idols these women worshiped, to be honest up to the point of his death, his heart was not with God (at least from what I have read from the bible). Thing is when God warns us against certain things, it is never to punish us or make our lives dull, but it is always to protect and enable us to walk right with Him.

Amos 3:3 How can two walk together unless they agree?

Building on to the first verse shared, here is the thing. For a Christian, your faith (belief in Jesus Christ dying for our sins and raising from the dead) determines how you  make decisions, decisions on money, decisions on what to wear, decisions on raising children etc. lets just say our every day decisions. So if this faith is that important to you, it should be as important to the person you date/marry because you two will be making decisions together. e.g. as a Christian you decide to wait to have sex in marriage because God's idea of sex, is that sex should be in the context of marriage, but for a unbeliever's view of sex is not the same, so how do you navigate through this? I can give alot of examples but let me use this one because its one of the major convictions I had when I got saved. If the faith you have is that important to you then you will want to have someone who shares in the same faith because they will have the same convictions as  it is easier (not trouble free) to walk together in life with someone who you agree with.

Consider, Samson, who from the time he was born, God already chose him to be a judge of his people when he would grow up, hence his mother being given very specific instructions about how to take care of him. Samson grows up, and marries a woman from another tribe where God had told them not to marry from, we all know the story of how he was tricked and his hair was cut and actually at this moment the bible says, that when Samson woke up after his hair was cut, he did not realize that GOD was no longer with him and he was defeated and taken as a slave. Later we see him repent and God restores his strength. The thing is, he altered his destiny just because he married a woman who did not believe and serve God but served idols, she was not in agreement with the calling over his life because how could she? she didn't know God, she didn't know the divine plan that God had for Samson and His people, therefore it was never a big deal for her to betray him.

I hope this post inspires you as a believer to consider the relationship you desire to be in, that it may be one which you will walk with an aim of pleasing God as a couple. I hope that it will help you as a believer, test the relationship you are in, to see if you two are really equally yoked and if you are not, for God to give you the grace to say ' if you are not in our relationship then we do not want it' and walk away and allow God to direct you.

I pray that for you as a believer will be so sold out to Christ that you will not compromise just because you want to be in a relationship, to not be afraid to walk out of a relationship because you fear that you have given it alot of time, of you will never find someone, I pray that you will understand that a generation will be changed simply because you chose to obey and not be unequally yoked.

THE WAIT: Listening to HIS voice

I have been reading the book of Jeremiah for sometime now, and the Holy Spirit has continued to teach me and reveal the word to me. It has been an amazing journey, with some chapters not making sense and some making alot of sense, but hey! I guess this is why its said that you might read the same book in the bible 4 times or 1000 times but each time, God reveals something new about Himself and it just blows your mind away to see how God is so much more than what we think of Him.

So I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and started reading on chapter 28 and 29, and throughout the book we see Jeremiah being used by God to talk to the Israelites while they were in exile in Babylon. Let me explain in my own words what goes on in chapter 28 and 29, this 'prophet' called Hananiah came up to God's temple and gives a prophesy saying that God will release the Israelites from Babylon  within 2 years. This dude gave this prophesy in the presence of Jeremiah and Jeremiah simply told him that, his words will be proven true with time because as he is preaching peace every other prophet sent before them talked of war and disaster and goes on his way.

As soon as Jeremiah walks away, God sends him back to tell the people including Hananiah (the prophet who just prophesied to the people that God would release them from Babylon within 2 years) that He will not release them as a matter of fact, they will remain there for longer and He did not send Hannaniah to say that and for that reason Hananiah would die the same year and he did die.

Here is the interesting part, in chapter 29, through a letter to the people written by Jeremiah God tells the Israelites, to build houses and settle in Babylon, to marry and let their sons and daughters to marry so that they will increase in number, He asks them to pray for prosperity of the land because if Babylon prospers, they also prosper and the biggest shock of it all is.....He tells them He will release them after SEVENTY years!!!! In God's words He says in verse 10: " When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place"... then God goes ahead and tells them that He knows the plans He has for them, plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them a future and a hope and promises them that they will find Him when they seek Him with all their hearts.

So what am I getting at with this,  you see alot of other prophets would come and prophesy peace and release for the people of Israel from Babylon but God had not sent them, God had sent Jeremiah with a completely different message, like Hananiah had lied to the people that God would release them in TWO years while in truth God was planning for SEVENTY years.

Thing is, how many times have we gone to church and heard from preachers, statements like ..."This is the year of the Lord!","This is the year of multiplication!" etc....we tend to jump up when such declarations are made especially when you have been praying to God for certain things and He seems to be taking too long. I am not saying that all the declarations are false, but I am encouraging us to seek God on our own to hear HIS voice in our circumstances and seasons. Because how many times have you jumped up to that word and declared things over your life and the year ends without anything changing? Is God a man that He would lie? NO! He says it and does it.

In your situation right now, I hope you will seek God for yourself and hear Him concerning what you are trusting in Him for, why? because HE ALONE knows the plans He has for you, NOT your pastor, NOT your mother or father, NOT your spouse, NOT your mentor, NOT YOU! Only He does and they are plans to prosper you and not to harm you.

In the season you are in, who are you listening to? I urge you to not be too quick to jump on these declarations but to seek God, to find out His plan. It may be that you are jobless now, single,  praying for finances, business, a family member, for a baby etc whatever it is, God has the answer, God will direct you and He has a purpose, the same way He told the Israelites that He will come to fulfill His good promise, He will come to fulfill it in your life but you have to wait for His timing, not the timing set by you or someone else.

I hope this post will help you in your waiting season, to ignore false voices and listen to the one true voice and wait for HIS perfect timing.

THE WAIT

We started reading the book of Joshua at bible study fellowship this year, well you know the book about the guy who took over leadership after Moses died to get the Israelites to Canaan.The book about the guy who God told over and over again to not be afraid or discouraged, the book about the guy who God used to part the River Jordan to get to Canaan. Yes that book....its full of adventures of how they conquered different tribes in order to occupy Canaan, if it was a movie it would fall under the epic kind of movies, you know 'Troy', '300' and the likes.

One of the most epic moments in this story is when God instructed Joshua and his arm to march around Jericho once a day for six days, and on the sixth day the walls of Jericho came tumbling down (Joshua 6) . The instruction God gave them was to destroy everything with the sword living in Jericho- men, women, young, old, cattle, sheep...you name it! and take the gold, bronze and iron to the Lord's house. Well, there are so many amazing stories to tell out of Joshua 6, how Rahab, a prostitute was saved etc but I want us to focus on the instruction the Israelites were given...they were to take the bronze, gold and Iron to the Lord's house. (Keep this in mind)

After they destroyed Jericho, they were to take over a place called Ai and because as usual, God would help them defeat their enemies because He promised them, Joshua sent part of his army to fight the men in Ai. But Alas! (dramatic music) they ended up been chased away and 36 of them lost their lives. This baffled Joshua, that why would a faithful God who promised them victory cause them to be defeated and when he cried out to God, God revealed to Him that it was because one of the Israelites did not follow God's instructions when they defeated Jericho. (You have to read this on your own from Joshua 7)

So who was this dude that had sinned against God and caused Israelites' defeat? ...drum roll.... ACHAN...this dude took a robe, silver and a bar of gold and hid them for himself instead of taking them to the Lord's house. Long story short, he was stoned and burned with his wife, kids cattle, donkeys, sheep, his tent...everything he had!After this, the Israelites went out and took over Ai and the instruction God gave them this time was....they would carry for THEMSELVES the livestock and plunder from Ai...

Now get this, if Achan had just followed God's instruction the first time and waited, he would have had much much much more from Ai that the robe, few silvers and the bar of gold he took from Jericho. If only he was patient enough......

So I will ask you, what are you asking God for and now you think that God is taking way too long to answer you and you decide to take things into your hand?

Is it a relationship? You are tired of waiting for that godly woman or man and decide to choose someone for yourself? then end up being unequally yoked or in an abused relationship etc just because you could not WAIT!

Is it a business deal? doing business the right way doesn't seem to give you the big money and the lifestyle you want and God doesn't seem to be listening to your prayers. So what do you do? You bribe, do some other 'low down' stuff and you get yourself in trouble or get involved with the wrong crowd...

Is it that you desire a certain lifestyle and working your way up does not seem viable and it will take 'forever' to get the life you want, so you get a 'sponsor/ sugar daddy/mama' to be able to get the life you desire....

I want to encourage you today, to trust in God's timing to wait on Him, to trust that He has the best plans for you, plans that you cannot even think of or imagine....do not act like Achan and take things into your own hands..because His timing, His plans  are PERFECT

I remember I was just like Achan, I desired a relationship but it felt like God would not give me what I wanted and ended up playing 'match maker' for myself and made a mess of my life... read about this HERE: MY STORY .  BUT I thank God for second chances and I always tell myself if I knew what God had in store for me, I would have just WAITED....

Prayer:

Dear God,

I thank you for the plans that you have for us, for they are plans for a future and a hope and not plans to destroy us. For the times we have failed to wait and took things into our hands, may you forgive us and help us to wait. Encourage us today to wait on your timing, to wait despite the ridicule, hurt, loneliness, brokenness, etc . 

In Jesus' name we pray, Amen

CHRISTIAN DATING 101: WHY YOU SHOULD NOT BE UNEQUALLY YOKED

It always causes an uproar on social media whenever I post that believers should not be unequally yoked to unbelievers. Mainly because it is always seen as discriminatory and judgmental, people always go ahead and give the example of Jesus hanging out with unbelievers.

So to get this out of the way let me explain what it means to be yoked,; A yoke is a wooden bar that joins two oxen to each other and to the burden they pull. An “unequally yoked” team has one stronger ox and one weaker, or one taller and one shorter. The weaker or shorter ox would walk more slowly than the taller, stronger one, causing the load to go around in circles. When oxen are unequally yoked, they cannot perform the task set before them. Instead of working together, they are at odds with one another.

That is one definition, I googled and another definition I found was: two to be joined in a close relationship. This brings me to explain to anyone who argues out that Jesus hang out with unbelievers,  case in example the tax collector. If we take this definition of people being in close relationship, Jesus was not in close relationship with this dude, even though they hang out. Who was in close relationship with Him? His disciples were in close relationship with Him, why do I say this? He would share His plans with them, He would tell them that He would be persecuted and raise from the dead after 3 days, something He did not disclose to other people. So He was never yoked to unbelievers.

With that out of the way, let me say I do not write this to make you look down upon unbelievers, or to condemn them, because as Christians we are called to love and show grace, the same grace that God showed us. I only write this, to remind us as Christians that we are called to live a different life once we receive Christ because we have been made new. Once we receive salvation through grace, we are called to work out our salvation, to let go of the things we did before we knew Christ. We are called to live in obedience because if we love God we will obey Him (John 14:15).

I specifically talk about dating in this article although we are still called not to be unequally yoked in ALL close relationships we have.

So why should you not be unequally yoked?


1. Your calling/destiny depends on it

Solomon over his lifetime married alot of women and ended up marrying women from tribes that worshiped idols and this turned his heart from God. Because of this, God said He would take David's family out of leadership from 9 tribes of Israel and ONLY  because God had made a covenant with his father David,  his family would still rule over 2 tribes.

Samson ended up marrying from a tribe also that did not worship God and as a result he ended up being ruled by the very people he was meant to rule over.

Some of the Kings of Israel later on married into Ahab's family who we know was married to Jezebel and they worshiped other gods, all the Kings who married from this family, turned their hearts away from God (Read 2 Kings) and did not rule for very long as a consequence.


All these men altered their destinies only because they yoked themselves with women who who did not worship the ONE true God.

You see every time God warns His people not to do something, He never does it to ruin the 'fun' but to protect their calling, because He knows what He has planned for them and who they should walk with in order to fulfill their destiny.


2. You are going to save them.........NOT!

As much as you want to convince yourself that you dating them or marrying them will save them, you will not. Why? because Christ is the one who saves people, no one saved you, only God did. Actually what you do whenever you are dating an unbeliever is standing in the way of God to work in them, you make the person dependent on you for saving, for you to remind them how to be a Christian, for you to keep dragging them to church. You forget this is the work of the Holy Spirit, the conviction to live as a Christian is the work of the Holy Spirit. So please, get out of the way, you are NOT that powerful!

3. You will influence a whole generation

One aim of godly marriages is to raise godly children, who will as a result influence their generation. You see, whoever you marry will raise your children  with you, if they do not know God, how will this work.  If you believe in Jesus as God and they think..oh Jesus is a really cool guy who had wisdom? Just like  the unequally yoked oxen where one of them being shorter, making them not to work well together, this will not work. Because you two have totally different ideologies and beliefs, how can a divided home stand? 

4. The relationship will lead you further from Christ

As much as we never want to admit this, the person we are closest to will always influence a big chunk of our life. As a Christian, you want someone who will push you to grow in faith, push you to seek God more and when you have problems who will point you to Christ as the solution and not themselves. How can you have this when the person closest to you doesn't care about growing in Christ? How will they influence your life?  Like Solomon and Samson, their unequally yoked relationships, led them further from God.


I am not a relationship expert, and I cannot tell you who to marry or not to marry. But if you are a Christian, I pray you follow the word of God and listen to the Holy Spirit. Choosing a lifetime partner is the second most important decision you will make after receiving Christ as a believer. Because your destiny, your generation and life will be tied to them.

I pray that you will find courage to obey and walk out of an unequally yoked relationship (not marriage) so that you can live out your purpose.

I pray that you will be patient enough to wait, to wait for someone who loves and pursues Christ as you do, someone who you will share purpose with, someone who you will push you closer to Christ.

I pray you will choose an extraordinary life that is guided by His word, that will work out just as He has planned.

and finally......

2 Cor 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership can righteousness have with wickedness? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness?

PRAYER: GOD THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR!

I have been reading the story of Elisha and I came across a dude called Naaman. He had leprosy and was looking for healing and word got to Elisha.  As Naaman went to see Elisha, he met up with Elisha's servant, Elisha had told his servant to meet Naaman and tell him to go wash himself in river Jordan 7 times. Well, you would think this dude would go straight to river Jordan and do this because is this not what he has been looking for?  but this dude got so angry that Elisha did not meet up with him personally and put his hand over his wounds and call out to heaven for his healing and to make matters worse he asked him to wash himself in river Jordan when there were better and cleaner rivers in the city! How dare he?  Long story short, his servant had to beg him to do what Elisha said and he went ahead and washed his body 7 times in river Jordan and was healed.


I remember reading this story and thinking, "this dude is crazy, who does he think he is?" but the Holy Spirit convicted me of the many times I have acted like Naaman.  Why? Because I have.....

Expectations of the answered

Naaman believed that God would ONLY heal him if Elisha would put his hand over his wounds and call out to heaven for his healing. He expected to be asked to do something grand BUT, God had other plans, a simpler plan which involved him going to the Jordan and wash his body 7 times.

How many times have you asked God to intervene in your situation expecting Him to answer you in a specific way. Praying for a spouse and giving Him a long list of the requirements you expect and even how, when and where to meet the person, praying for a certain job where you would do specific things and earn a certain amount of money, praying to get into a certain school, praying for healing of a loved one, praying for a specific idea, for a home, for a specific car e.t.c

The thing is, we have no power over God, He is GOD. He already had a plan for your life when He formed you in your mother's womb, He knows EVERYTHING! (Jeremiah 1:5)

Just like Naaman we may risk missing out on our answered prayer because we are focused on our expectations of how God will answer our prayers. We might miss out on that spouse, job, opportunity etc because God has not answered us in the way we expected Him to.

 I used to wonder why sometimes people would say a loved one was healed even though they died, but I see it now that God answered that prayer but not in the way we expected Him to.  I see men and women keeping good women and men in the friend-zone because they do not necessarily meet a 'silly' requirement in their list( I almost did this to my husband), I see people passing up internships or not-so-well praying jobs because they expect more yet that job would open up doors for what they wanted etc...

We have to get to a place where we trust that God has the BEST plan for us because He sees the beginning to the end. He knows EXACTLY what you need even before you ask Him (Mathew 6:8)



 Compared the answered prayer

Naaman thought that other rivers (Abana and Pharphar) were better than Jordan and even if he was to go wash himself in a river, he would prefer them.

Has God ever answered your prayer and immediately when you see someone else's answered prayer you think that surely couldn't God have done this for you? I know I have been guilty of this.
Like you have been praying for a job and it comes then you hear your friend has landed another one that pays twice what you earn and start thinking..'that should have been my blessing' etc

Just like Naaman, where his answer lied (river Jordan) did not look as appealing as the other two rivers. If he had gone and washed himself in any of these two rivers (no pun intended for Kenyans :-)) he would not have received his healing. If you try to go for the same exact thing as our friend, neighbor, relative etc thinking that it would be an answer to our prayer, you might end up being disappointed and think why is God not coming through for you?

Again, God knows the EXACT thing you need to do, the opportunities you need to go for, the person you need etc He has custom made your life to fit your purpose. So stop comparing your journey to that of others, you have been instructed to go to 'river Jordan' do exactly that, do not waver just because it does not look glamorous or its not what you expected. Trust that God has everything under control.



By all means do not take this as me saying that you settle for less, instead take this to challenge you to ask God  to confirm whenever something looks like an answered prayer from Him. So that you will not be too quick to get mad at God and miss out on the very thing you were praying for.

Just like Naaman, despite him not believing at first, God gave him another opportunity which led him to his healing. So do not be discouraged if you feel like you have passed on, on something that might have been God answering your prayer. Instead, pray for God to give  you another chance and help you trust Him this time round. He is a God of infinite chances.

WOMEN IN THE BIBLE: Lessons on courage

The other day I read an article on how a woman was presenting her thesis in booty shorts and when the lecturer commented about her dressing being unprofessional, she decided to strip down to her undies....and the caption on it was...'Such bravery!' and  most readers were applauding her behavior....then the same day a friend shared a video of a woman complaining at a restaurant and to make her point to the management of the institution, she removed her pants and did some things I do not even want to repeat here and jokingly my friend captioned it as..'strength of a woman'....I could go on and on about the things around us today that people applaud and consider as women being courageous.

I want to share stories of women in the bible, who I consider showed courage...real courage. I believe, real courage comes from a place where someone does something despite being fearful to achieve a greater good, to change something for the better and not make it worse.  So these three ladies, were courageous enough to do the things they did which changed the world forever and I hope we can learn a few things from them.


1. Mary-Mother of Jesus

Just like any other engaged young woman, she must have been so excited and looking forward to her big day when she will finally be one with the man of her dreams. Probably just like any other young christian couple who are about to get married, they had probably been praying and fasting for their big day to be successful. Then the same God she was praying to sends an angel to tell her that she will have a child without being with a man and He will be named Jesus who will be called the son of the Most High. Then the amazing thing about this story is that, Mary simply told the Angel... “I am willing to be used of the Lord. Let it happen to me as you have said.” 

Whoa! Hold up! Mary, but you are about to get married!, aren't you worried that Joseph will leave you? that you will not have your dream wedding? that people will talk? Everyone knows you are a virgin, how will you explain this to them? 

None of these things mattered to her at this moment, ALL she wanted was to be used of the Lord. Such that she was willing to give up her plans for the sake of being used by God. We all know how things turned out....

Are you willing to be courageous enough to give up your plans, your ambitions, your dreams, a relationship, a job,  a way of living etc for the sake of being used of the Lord? Are you? Do you have the kind of courage that will make you trust in God enough to believe He has a great plan for you even if you do not see it at the moment? to believe that He is who He says He is, that He is a provider, protector and healer?

Trusting God is not a leap in the dark, but it is a bold step into an amazing life which only He can give.



2. Samaritan Woman- The woman at the well

So this woman used  to go fetch water during the day so that she would not meet the other women because she was the talk of the town. She was the woman, no woman wanted her husband or son to look her way, she was the woman who people would whisper when she passes and maybe some even shout at her and call her 'shameless' for having been with 4 dudes already and now she was getting it on with the 5th one.

Then one day as she was going to fetch water, she met up with Jesus and she was amazed that He knew the mess she had made of her life and even when she was honest about to it with Him, He didn't stand up from the well in utter shock nor did He make her feel bad about herself but instead He spoke to her with love and revealed Himself to her as the Messiah which changed her life forever!

Here is the interesting part, this woman who probably walked around with her head down and never wanted to bump into the town's people because of how they would treat her, at this moment, she no longer cared about what these people think about her when she rushed back to the town to tell them about Jesus. She left her water jar there and forgot all about her insecurities, her past, everything! and she...out of all the people....had the nerve to tell people about the Jesus.....and surprisingly people came out probably out of curiosity or because they were surprised that she would dare do this. Because of this, many people from her town believed in Jesus that day.......

Her encounter with Christ freed her from her struggles and from her mess....it gave her courage to talk about Christ even when many would think she was not worthy to....this encounter ignited a fire in her that despite what people would say or think of her...she was unashamed of talking about Christ.

Have you encountered Christ? Do you know that there is freedom in Him? That you do not have to live the way you do now?  I hope you will accept Christ into your life, He is more than able to make the much needed change you need in your life.

Being in Christ makes us courageous because there is freedom in Christ to be the best version of ourselves and make a lasting change in our generation. 


3. Esther

After Queen Vashti was deposed because of refusing to join the King at his banquet, it was time to get a new Queen. So the search for beautiful, young virgins (quoted from the bible) started and Esther was among those chosen and long story short, she became Queen.

There was a plot by Haman (Haman was an Agagite and the son of Hammedatha. Haman was likely a descendent of Agag, king of the Amalekites, long-time enemies of the Jewish people. God had told King Saul to destroy the Amalekites centuries earlier (1 Samuel 15:3), but Saul failed to obey the command. His disobedience led to the loss of his kingdom and, in Esther’s time, the threat of annihilation for all Jews)...anyway Haman was plotting on killing Jews.

The whole time Esther was Queen, she had never revealed she was a Jew because Mordecai (her uncle) instructed her to do.  When Mordecai heard of this plot, he sent word to Esther requesting her to intervene for her people by going before the King.  I believe the question he posed to Esther asking her.... "And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”must have convinced her to agree to this.

Esther requested that all the Jews in that area to fast and pray for three days for her even as she did the same before she would go before the King.  It was forbidden to go to the King without being summoned, hence Esther would risk her life for doing this. So on the third day she wore her royal robes and went before the King and surprise surprise! she earned favor in his eyes and she was allowed to come to him....long story short.. Haman ended up dead and the Jews were saved.

So I will pose the same question to you, do you believe that you are in the position you are in now. in the family you are born in, working where you are or going to school where you are for such a time as this? For a time where the gospel is not popular, where being a Christian is not the coolest thing you can do.....what if you were born into the family you are in, going to the school you are going, working where you are working, serving where you are serving etc because God has specifically placed you there do His will, to be a light and salt? Will you step up and be courageous to be used of God just like Esther did? 

You were created to fulfill a specific purpose that ONLY YOU can. 



Thing is, ALL  these women would never have changed the world forever if they didn't show courage and mostly because they showed it in order to obey God. Hence courage that is not applied as a response to obeying God is just plain old bold foolishness..lol


 I would love to hear from you on more women from the bible who were courageous. 

Learning to be married-Year 1

I cannot believe it's already one year since we got married, time goes by so fast! It has one year of laughter, tears, fun days and not-so-fun days, days we are inseparable and days we cannot stand to be around each other, but most of all it's been a year full of God's faithfulness and love and this far we thank God for holding us together.

I write this not as an expert in marriage but as someone learning to be married...thing is when the pastor/priest pronounces you as husband and wife, at that moment you are married and the days after that is all about learning how to be in this covenant.
Okay enough of this...let's get to the lessons learned....

#1: You two are different!

You might say this is obvious....but it never really hits you until you start living together...just by the mere fact that you are man and woman, different personalities and raised from different backgrounds....let me tell you the spinach story:

Our honeymoon was amazing! We got to stay at three amazing hotels...we got back on a Sunday and we had to shop for our new home...while we were in the supermarket my newly wedded husband suggested we buy spinach....let's pause here before I tell you what happened next....this suggestion was absurd to me because....I grew up in Eastlands...where we never bought something like spinach from the supermarket...I got it from my homeboy at the 'kibanda'...where I would have it cut into pieces and packed for me...so I never explored the mystery of cutting spinach...okay with that out of the way...this is what happened after that suggestion...

Me: who is going to cut the spinach?
Newly wedded husband: (without skipping a beat) You
Me: I don't cut spinach....
Newly wedded husband: (extremely shocked)...you mean it's true Nairobi girls don't know these things..
Me: You should have asked  me when we were dating...

Well, the ride home wasn't so pleasant after this but he cut the spinach that night and we had dinner...and slept shocked but happy..lol
When we later discussed this...We discovered that the issue wasn't the spinach but...we have been raised in different backgrounds...my husband has grown up in a farm and they would grow their own spinach and therefore that cut them themselves...and at that moment....when we was shocked...
So this was exhibit one for us that we are totally different and now we had to find a way of living together.
I am happy to announce I now cut my spinach...mainly because my mother in law still has the farm and she gives us spinach and well...there is no way I am telling her I don't do it...lol but when we need it cut quickly...my husband steps in...so we have learned how to overcome this and adjust to each other...
For us it was the spinach story, for you it might be something different but fact is..in marriage you have to learn to accept one another and learn to live together with your difference...

#2: You will make mistakes

You have to leave allowance for yourself and your spouse to make mistakes...because I promise you....they will make them and YOU will make them.
There are times I have found myself not being so kind to my husband and I would beat myself up about it and sulk and think I am the worst! Then when my husband would make mistakes...I would be so so so disappointed and think...."this is not the man I married!"...but I got to a place where I accepted that we will make them and what we need to do...what I needed to do is learn from them and say sorry and forgive and move on...

#3: Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!

I struggle alot in this..I am not one who loves talking about my feelings especially when hurt...my husband on the other side is great at this. I can hold something inside for a while before I open up about it and it has made me exaggerate some issues here and there...
Communication is important because your spouse will never know if they have wronged you...or if they have done something you do not like if you do not tell them...
One of the ways of growing the intimacy in marriage is having open communication where you are unafraid of judgement or backlash...I am still learning this...and to be honest it's more of me not wanting to be vulnerable but...thing is in marriage you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to your spouse....

#4: Keeping Boundaries

Well, we kept our boundaries when dating and God enabled us to wait until marriage not only to have sex but even having our first kiss at the altar...and then came marriage...where we have had to learn to keep boundaries with our families...our friends and people of the opposite sex...
How we do it? We call out each other whenever we see any relationship that we have is about to cross the boundaries we have set....the biggest for me has been keeping a boundary with my mum...my mum is my best friend...and I have had to place her second since I got married which means she cannot know every single detail about my marriage especially out issues....
Then comes boundaries with the opposite sex....you see not everyone will respect the fact that you are married... it is not a big deal to people as it is for you...so it requires for us to protect each other alot... And alert each other whenever we see someone of the opposite sex getting too close....

#5:  Do not hold on to offense

I believe one of the weapons the enemy uses to destroy marriages is offense....
Like I said your spouse will offend you..(I can guarantee you) ..they will do something that will get on your nerves but you have to give allowance for that....holding on to offense only makes the matter bigger than it is...
I remember one time we argued about something so small...yet holding on to the offense made us not have peace in our home for three days! Three days!...three days where we would have spent time in God's presence together....build something...agree on other matters...etc..
You have to learn to forgive and let go of offense...keeping it in your heart will remove any chance of creating beautiful moments and building your marriage....

#6: Being friends helps ALOT!

When you talk of best of friends...we usually talk of people who accept each other the way they are...without trying to change the other person...we talk of people who are free to tell each other anything! Without being judged....we talk of people who would be there for one another without fail....we talk of people who are able to correct each other with love...we talk of people who love to spend time with each other.....so I tell you if you are not married....marry your friend! It will make life so much easier...
To be honest...there are times...I have cancelled plans to hang out with my friends so that I can just go home to my husband...not because we will have a romantic night but because I enjoy his company....I have had to let go of offense because he is the first person I want to talk to whenever something good or bad has happened....I look forward everyday..to come home and just 'beat stories' with him...because he is my buddy...

#7: Have quiet time with God

I know that once people get married there is this temptation of replacing their quiet time with praying with their spouse....well..it's great to spend time in prayer with your spouse..but you have to...you MUST spend time ALONE with God...why? In these moments God will speak to your heart concerning your spouse...concerning yourself!...you still remain an individual even after marriage...you still have to develop your OWN relationship with God...
For me, I have found these moments so helpful especially when we are going through something...because God always rebukes me of the role I have played in the issue..and I get to see my heart...
Your time alone with God matters alot because the better your relationship with God is...the better your relationship with your spouse will be...take my word for this...

#8: Continue dating

Before we got married we agreed that we would make every Friday night a date night...and I am happy we stuck to it..
You see the time spent together during the week is only limited to the evenings...which are occupied with making dinner...and the tiredness of the day..so we get Friday evenings to spend time outside our home and catch up....this is where we get to talk about how our marriage is... our finances....our future plans...without distractions that are in our home...we plan to continue this even when the children come....God help us

#9: Focus on your spouse's good qualities

There is a huge temptation of focusing on the bad things your spouse does....the bad things they said..etc...it's easy because when you two are married you see each other's weaknesses ...unlike before...
For me it's easier for me to remember the times my husband has not helped me with the chores than it is to remember the number of times he has...it's easier to remember the times where I have had to serve him even when I am tired than the times he has served me.....but something I have learned this year is...to focus on his good qualities...and especially when I am struggling to see anything good in him...and surprisingly! It has helped me form a positive attitude towards him and makes it easier for me to forgive him....
Your spouse has alot of good qualities....if need be...write them down especially when it's hard to see them and you will see how your attitude towards them will change....

#10: Have a purpose

I will be honest, the one thing I feared about getting married...is for it to be a routine where...we get married....have kids...retire...etc...I wanted for it to be something that has purpose...
We both have a heart for teens ministry and this is what brought us together in the first place....engaging in this ministry together has made our marriage so interesting, just waking up daily knowing that God has a purpose for us to fulfill together even pushes me to work harder to keep my commitment of 'till death' because I know my obedience has so much as stake.....

Again I do not write as an expert but as someone who is learning to be married....it's tough, it's fun,...and I believe I will keep learning and re-learning for the rest of my life....in the words of John Piper....Marriage is the hardest relationship to be in but it has great joy and great reward for those willing to keep their commitment"