Learning to be married-Year 1

I cannot believe it's already one year since we got married, time goes by so fast! It has one year of laughter, tears, fun days and not-so-fun days, days we are inseparable and days we cannot stand to be around each other, but most of all it's been a year full of God's faithfulness and love and this far we thank God for holding us together.

I write this not as an expert in marriage but as someone learning to be married...thing is when the pastor/priest pronounces you as husband and wife, at that moment you are married and the days after that is all about learning how to be in this covenant.
Okay enough of this...let's get to the lessons learned....

#1: You two are different!

You might say this is obvious....but it never really hits you until you start living together...just by the mere fact that you are man and woman, different personalities and raised from different backgrounds....let me tell you the spinach story:

Our honeymoon was amazing! We got to stay at three amazing hotels...we got back on a Sunday and we had to shop for our new home...while we were in the supermarket my newly wedded husband suggested we buy spinach....let's pause here before I tell you what happened next....this suggestion was absurd to me because....I grew up in Eastlands...where we never bought something like spinach from the supermarket...I got it from my homeboy at the 'kibanda'...where I would have it cut into pieces and packed for me...so I never explored the mystery of cutting spinach...okay with that out of the way...this is what happened after that suggestion...

Me: who is going to cut the spinach?
Newly wedded husband: (without skipping a beat) You
Me: I don't cut spinach....
Newly wedded husband: (extremely shocked)...you mean it's true Nairobi girls don't know these things..
Me: You should have asked  me when we were dating...

Well, the ride home wasn't so pleasant after this but he cut the spinach that night and we had dinner...and slept shocked but happy..lol
When we later discussed this...We discovered that the issue wasn't the spinach but...we have been raised in different backgrounds...my husband has grown up in a farm and they would grow their own spinach and therefore that cut them themselves...and at that moment....when we was shocked...
So this was exhibit one for us that we are totally different and now we had to find a way of living together.
I am happy to announce I now cut my spinach...mainly because my mother in law still has the farm and she gives us spinach and well...there is no way I am telling her I don't do it...lol but when we need it cut quickly...my husband steps in...so we have learned how to overcome this and adjust to each other...
For us it was the spinach story, for you it might be something different but fact is..in marriage you have to learn to accept one another and learn to live together with your difference...

#2: You will make mistakes

You have to leave allowance for yourself and your spouse to make mistakes...because I promise you....they will make them and YOU will make them.
There are times I have found myself not being so kind to my husband and I would beat myself up about it and sulk and think I am the worst! Then when my husband would make mistakes...I would be so so so disappointed and think...."this is not the man I married!"...but I got to a place where I accepted that we will make them and what we need to do...what I needed to do is learn from them and say sorry and forgive and move on...

#3: Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!

I struggle alot in this..I am not one who loves talking about my feelings especially when hurt...my husband on the other side is great at this. I can hold something inside for a while before I open up about it and it has made me exaggerate some issues here and there...
Communication is important because your spouse will never know if they have wronged you...or if they have done something you do not like if you do not tell them...
One of the ways of growing the intimacy in marriage is having open communication where you are unafraid of judgement or backlash...I am still learning this...and to be honest it's more of me not wanting to be vulnerable but...thing is in marriage you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to your spouse....

#4: Keeping Boundaries

Well, we kept our boundaries when dating and God enabled us to wait until marriage not only to have sex but even having our first kiss at the altar...and then came marriage...where we have had to learn to keep boundaries with our families...our friends and people of the opposite sex...
How we do it? We call out each other whenever we see any relationship that we have is about to cross the boundaries we have set....the biggest for me has been keeping a boundary with my mum...my mum is my best friend...and I have had to place her second since I got married which means she cannot know every single detail about my marriage especially out issues....
Then comes boundaries with the opposite sex....you see not everyone will respect the fact that you are married... it is not a big deal to people as it is for you...so it requires for us to protect each other alot... And alert each other whenever we see someone of the opposite sex getting too close....

#5:  Do not hold on to offense

I believe one of the weapons the enemy uses to destroy marriages is offense....
Like I said your spouse will offend you..(I can guarantee you) ..they will do something that will get on your nerves but you have to give allowance for that....holding on to offense only makes the matter bigger than it is...
I remember one time we argued about something so small...yet holding on to the offense made us not have peace in our home for three days! Three days!...three days where we would have spent time in God's presence together....build something...agree on other matters...etc..
You have to learn to forgive and let go of offense...keeping it in your heart will remove any chance of creating beautiful moments and building your marriage....

#6: Being friends helps ALOT!

When you talk of best of friends...we usually talk of people who accept each other the way they are...without trying to change the other person...we talk of people who are free to tell each other anything! Without being judged....we talk of people who would be there for one another without fail....we talk of people who are able to correct each other with love...we talk of people who love to spend time with each other.....so I tell you if you are not married....marry your friend! It will make life so much easier...
To be honest...there are times...I have cancelled plans to hang out with my friends so that I can just go home to my husband...not because we will have a romantic night but because I enjoy his company....I have had to let go of offense because he is the first person I want to talk to whenever something good or bad has happened....I look forward everyday..to come home and just 'beat stories' with him...because he is my buddy...

#7: Have quiet time with God

I know that once people get married there is this temptation of replacing their quiet time with praying with their spouse....well..it's great to spend time in prayer with your spouse..but you have to...you MUST spend time ALONE with God...why? In these moments God will speak to your heart concerning your spouse...concerning yourself!...you still remain an individual even after marriage...you still have to develop your OWN relationship with God...
For me, I have found these moments so helpful especially when we are going through something...because God always rebukes me of the role I have played in the issue..and I get to see my heart...
Your time alone with God matters alot because the better your relationship with God is...the better your relationship with your spouse will be...take my word for this...

#8: Continue dating

Before we got married we agreed that we would make every Friday night a date night...and I am happy we stuck to it..
You see the time spent together during the week is only limited to the evenings...which are occupied with making dinner...and the tiredness of the day..so we get Friday evenings to spend time outside our home and catch up....this is where we get to talk about how our marriage is... our finances....our future plans...without distractions that are in our home...we plan to continue this even when the children come....God help us

#9: Focus on your spouse's good qualities

There is a huge temptation of focusing on the bad things your spouse does....the bad things they said..etc...it's easy because when you two are married you see each other's weaknesses ...unlike before...
For me it's easier for me to remember the times my husband has not helped me with the chores than it is to remember the number of times he has...it's easier to remember the times where I have had to serve him even when I am tired than the times he has served me.....but something I have learned this year is...to focus on his good qualities...and especially when I am struggling to see anything good in him...and surprisingly! It has helped me form a positive attitude towards him and makes it easier for me to forgive him....
Your spouse has alot of good qualities....if need be...write them down especially when it's hard to see them and you will see how your attitude towards them will change....

#10: Have a purpose

I will be honest, the one thing I feared about getting married...is for it to be a routine where...we get married....have kids...retire...etc...I wanted for it to be something that has purpose...
We both have a heart for teens ministry and this is what brought us together in the first place....engaging in this ministry together has made our marriage so interesting, just waking up daily knowing that God has a purpose for us to fulfill together even pushes me to work harder to keep my commitment of 'till death' because I know my obedience has so much as stake.....

Again I do not write as an expert but as someone who is learning to be married....it's tough, it's fun,...and I believe I will keep learning and re-learning for the rest of my life....in the words of John Piper....Marriage is the hardest relationship to be in but it has great joy and great reward for those willing to keep their commitment"