Relationships 101: It is possible to wait

After I wrote the post on why I am waiting to kiss my fiance on the wedding day, it made rounds on social media and a friend of mine shared with me a screen shot from one of the groups it was shared in. The caption on it was "do people do this?" And there were several other comments that followed people asking what if I get disappointed etc... It was hilarious to me because I understood where they were coming from because I used to ask such questions a while back.

God put it in my heart to share our journey so far and how we have managed to still stick to that boundary so far...(A few more days to go...lol). So what has worked for us?

1. Boundaries

From the beginning of our relationship, we established a few boundaries that we felt would enable us to wait till marriage to have sex. For us, the first three boundaries that we set were; kissing was off the table (I wrote about the why's on that post) , no front hugs this meant we would give each other side hugs and we would not be at any one time alone behind closed doors, this meant that we would not visit each other when unaccompanied, so most of our hang outs are always outdoors...you will find us going out for picnics, cycling and hiking...oh! and going to restaurants with very bright lighting..lol.
It was easy to keep these boundaries in our first year of courtship, but when we got to the second year (I think when we grew in love), we soon found out that it was hard to keep our hands off each other and this led to us adding more boundaries in our basket. A few of what we added were; he would not touch my thigh, we would stop calling each other late in the night and we put a curfew where our dates end before 8:30pm.

Lesson: Get to understand your triggers as individuals and situations that would make you two vulnerable then set boundaries around that.

2. Accountability 
The first part of this is, we keep each other accountable, we have this habit of asking each other how it is going so far and remind each other why we are doing this.
The second part is, I  have four ladies who keep me accountable. They are the ones who will tell me to let go of stupid ideas such as inviting Grey over when am alone, to avoid holding on to his arm too tight....or tell me when my dress is too tight or too short...etc...they are the ones I ask to pray for us when I see that we are about to fall. Oh these sisters are fierce! And I have got mad at them a few times.

3. The Grace of God
Having boundaries and accountability is not enough, the one thing that has kept us this far is God's grace.
There was a time we found ourselves alone for about 1 hour  at my home (unplanned, its a long story) but funny thing is that the night before, God showed Grey in a dream that we would end up alone in the house and he had to pray about it when he woke up and God kept us and nothing happened.
Only by His grace have we been able to abstain this far.....to be honest there are days we wish we were not waiting but His grace is always sufficient for us.....
 
Something to note:
Thing is, we both decided that we would wait until marriage and not kiss the person we would date even before we ever met.... And the decision to wait is not because of each other but because of our relationship with God. There is no way you will say you are in a relationship with Jesus and not desire to live like He commands and He says if you love Him you will obey His commands. So whatever holds us to this decision is bigger than us and that is the only way we have been able to wait.

Which role has he played?

Let me use an example; there was a time he was pushed by our friends to help me learn how to swim which would mean us getting close to each other and he walked away from the pool.
This was significant to me because he purposefully aims for us to walk in purity and removes himself from situations where it would be compromised

My role?

As much as I always want to look good for him, I aim not to make him stumble by avoiding to wear anything that would tempt him.

Our role together?

We continuously pray for each other that we may be able to walk in purity with our minds, words and actions. We both understand that we are just human and we may fall but if we have Jesus covering us, we will be fine.

I write this with the aim of encouraging those courting and those hoping to court one day that it is possible for two young people who are madly in love with each other to wait until marriage, do not believe in the lies of the world that it is impossible or you have already messed up or you have to prove sexual compatibility before you marry someone. God will make it possible for you, seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these things will be added unto you.

With love,

Enid

How far is too far?: Relationships 101

"How far is too far?" ....this is the most common question asked in every relationship seminar held for young people......Usually we ask this so that we can find out just how much we can be physically involved with someone we are dating before it is categorized as sin.....
Other questions that follow are is it okay to kiss? to cuddle? etc....

It is like walking closer to the edge of a cliff and keep asking someone am I almost falling?(seems like your aim is to fall, because why are you doing that?) kinda dumb isn't it?  Because every step you take towards the edge of the cliff increases your chances of falling off the cliff....

So if you are asking this question...I would urge you to stop just where you are and consider these things.....

1. God has not called us to be virgins but to be sexually pure

 I have met christian men  who tell me that they make out, shower and do all sorts of things with their girlfriends but they do not have sexual intercourse with them because they are saving that for their wives.....this is like telling me that you take a slice of bread and butter it and lick it and return it in it's pack for someone else to eat...(okay maybe not the best comparison, but you get what I mean)

Virginity is part of being sexually pure, but you can be a virgin and not be sexually pure...what am I getting at? Sexual purity is so much more than remaining a virgin physically. Purity means freedom from contamination, from any thing that would spoil the taste of pleasure, reduce power or in any way adulterate what the thing was meant to be. It means cleanness, clearness-no additives, nothing artificial in other words 'all natural' in the sense in which the original designer designed it to be.(definition borrowed from Elisabeth Elliot)

So can I say then that what we do (the making out, cuddling, petting, oral sex, etc) is sin? Or can I say that it might take the edge off, spoil the taste of pleasure later on, it might distract the heart?
Jesus commended the Pharisees for teaching the doctrines but they exemplified little of what they taught. It is always the heart's direction that matters....God is always concerned about your heart,....so why are you doing all that you do? Is it to remain sexually pure or is it to remain a virgin? or is it to try balancing your desires with that of God by justifying it by saying..'we did not go the whole way'.....

2. You will fall off the cliff soon

As humans we tend to get bored with routine, doing the same thing over and over again leaves us with the urge of taking it a notch higher or doing the 'thing' differently in order to get the excitement of doing it back.So how long do you think you can last before you two decide to increase the pleasure and the excitement? How long do you think it will take before you start looking for excuses to fall down the cliff? This is where you will get yourselves trying to justify it by saying...'After all we will get married eventually', or 'we have already got this far'.....etc....




3. If you are ashamed of what you are doing then stop

Because you are already asking how far you can go, probably it is because you already know you want or you are already doing something that you cannot tell your pastor about....
Every time you do anything that leaves you feeling ashamed is a sign you should stop.....run back far away from the cliff and stay there......


Why do we get ourselves asking this question as Christians? Number one reason is because our hearts are not right with God, because once you understand that God has called you to be Holy just like He is.....it should push you to a higher level and to higher standards..where you are not trying to test and see how far you can go before you sin but where you run far away from what may lead you to sin....because you get to understand that as a Christian, your standards have been set much much much higher than that of the world because you are a reflection of Christ on earth....

Meaning even in our relationships we are called to set the bar so high so that we may be able to walk in purity, thing is you can pray not to fall into sin and even bind spirits but if you two do not put boundaries that will help you walk in purity you are bound to fall....

Wouldn't that relationship be boring? what then will distinguish you two as boyfriend and girlfriend and not just friends? 
 There are a lot of fun things you can do together that will enable you to bond in a way that all the other ways cannot. Thing is you can make out with anyone, you can do all those things with anyone but if you are looking to marry someone you may want to find out how the person behaves around their friends? family? how they handle finances? how many kids they want? etc so many things that are not determined by whether you get physical or not....

ASK and you shall be answered....ask God to guide you two in the relationship and if truly you two desire to walk in purity, He will honor that and keep you two....if you two are heading closer to the cliff...stop and re-evaluate your relationship and see if you are honoring God in it maybe it is time to put new boundaries in the relationship.....if you two have already fallen off the cliff and desire to walk in purity....ask for forgiveness and put boundaries in the relationship and get people who will keep you two accountable...if you are the only one in the relationship trying not to get to the edge of the cliff and the other party is pushing you? Walk away, as hard as it may be...you have to choose them or honoring God.....